Michael Allison
7 min readMar 14, 2017

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Psychotherapy and Soul Robbery — A Philosophical Inquiry

by Michael Allison

Background

In our psychotherapy practice, we conduct group and individual psychotherapy for clients who are suffering severe effects of trauma. Recently, one of the clients walked into group complaining about another therapist who, the client insisted, had been diligently working to collect the client’s soul. References about therapists as soul robbers are not new, in fact, I have heard of accusations of soul robbery, and even of therapists as soul vampires. (Although a more accurate reference might be to therapists as Soul Vampire Slayers …)

One of the other clients proposed that the therapist may be seen at times wearing a glass vial around her neck carrying, he presumed, the souls of other clients which the therapist had collected.

This spurred my question of whether he thought she had somehow melted these souls down into a liquid form which she now kept in the vial.

The Question

This intriguing stream of consciousness triggered a series of questions for me. One of the great, hugely important, philosophical debates of all times was the questions of: “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” In that very moment, I felt that we were about to enter into one of those moments of humanity where we open up a new set of philosophical discussions which help delimit mankind’s existence, as well as understanding the co-equal realms of psychotherapy and theology: What is the melting temperature of a human soul? From this initial question we may also wonder: How many souls can fit into a vial? And, “How much does a soul weigh?” We were able to discern answers to all of these questions.

The Melting Point of the Human Soul

To the lay philosopher, lay therapist, or lay clergy, this may seem to be an easily approached question. Certainly, the human soul must be able to sustain temperatures in excess of 100 degrees Fahrenheit, since anything less would cause the soul to melt at various times during the day and the soul would thus dissipate into the aether and cease to exist as a tangible entity. Or, at least, that is how things may seem at first blush. My concern about the soul dissipating led me to a clew about the nature of the soul itself. What is the consistency of the soul prior to its dissipation into the aether? The soul has no real corporeal existence, therefore the first part of this question may actually be a trick of presumption. What if the soul, in its natural state, is already in a gaseous form? In other words, the soul, at room temperature, is a gas, not a solid.

Wow, stunning. Therefore to collect a soul and place it, for instance, in a vial, we would not heat the soul, but rather, cool the soul to condense it into its liquid state. I know what you are thinking, “Yes, interesting, indeed …”

The Condensation Point of the Human Soul

At what temperature would the soul condense into a liquid state? This is actually a two-part question: First, where does the soul reside? Because, obviously, if it resides within our body, the gaseous state may live within a narrow window, say 89 to 110 degrees Fahrenheit. As long as the body maintains the body heat to sustain life, the soul is gaseous and active. The other possibility is that the soul exists outside the body. This theory complicates the problem, since the soul would have to remain gaseous no matter what the outside temperature is, assuming that it could sustain life. However, let us imagine that a person is on a walk to the South Pole. If the soul is outside of the body, and the temperature is -20 degrees Fahrenheit, obviously, if the person were insulated, they would live, but their soul would perish. Unless the soul was so close to the body that nothing could penetrate between the skin, for example, and the soul. Certainly that would be an attractive theory, although possibly impractical in real life.

The second half of this question then, is what happens when the soul becomes a liquid, or even, a solid? That situation would be so cold as to render the body dead, and the soul escapes before it begins to condense. Or, possibly, it condenses immediately upon exiting the body, assuming the ambient temperature was lower than the “operating” temperature. So, let’s assume that below 89 degrees, the soul will condense into a liquid. If the body dies and the room temperature is, say, 90 degrees, the soul will remain a gas and return to, I assume, its maker. If the ambient temperature is less than 89, the soul would condense into a liquid until such time as the conditions are right for the soul to evaporate and return to, again, I assume, its maker.

In or Out?

Obviously, then, the soul resides inside of the body. Otherwise it would be too difficult to separate a living being from their soul. We know from certain historical research studies, that people have sold their souls, at times, or been tricked into giving their souls, at times, or possibly, even, lost their soul through carelessness. Therefore the relationship between the living body and the soul must be more flexible and even allow for the separation of soul and body.

Soul Extraction

The soul and the body are easily separated when one knows the technique. For a person in an awake, aware state, the soul vampire must induce a state of extreme emotional dissonance. As psychotherapists are trained and particularly adept at guiding clients to this state, they are also most able to make off with someone’s soul. The presence of tears, sobbing and emotional distraction creates a vulnerability where the therapist is able to reach into the left ear and withdraw the now disarticulated soul from its framework. Similarly in sleep, when the client is asleep and experiencing vivid dreams or nightmares, the therapist or other soul robber is able to distract the client and remover the soul either through the left ear, or through the throat or nasal passage. Each school of soul robbery has its preferred method.

The soul is collected through the use of a small instrument not unlike a miniature turkey baster. This instrument is called the “Soul Mate” and was formerly available on Amazon.com. That exact item does not seem to be available any more, but Amazon does sell a similar and interchangeable product. The psychotherapist, or soul robber, punctures the ear drum with the included needle and then inserts the tip of the “Soul Mate” into the ear, or nasal passage and evacuates the soul.

Preparation

The collector from the Soul Mate is then refrigerated at 36 degrees Fahrenheit for four to six hours. The frozen soul is, at this point, white and approximately the size of an Altoid mint, but weighs nearly 12 ounces. (By way of comparison, a full tin of Altoid mints weights only 1.76 ounces.) The easiest way to then add this soul to your vial would be to crush it (not recommended) and add it to the vial, or drop the whole soul into the vial in its solid state. From here the soul will warm to room temperature, transforming into a liquid state at approximately 45 degrees Fahrenheit. The vial must be air tight whenever the temperature of the soul(s) rises above 75 degrees Fahrenheit — the approximate point of transformation into a gas from a liquid (boiling point of the human soul). The air tight quality of the vial inexplicably forces the soul to remain in a liquid state between 45 degrees and 212 degrees Fahrenheit. At 212 degree Fahrenheit, the soul will slip into a complex, highly excited state, creating a small nuclear fusion reaction hot enough to melt the glass as well as any object that the glass vial is contained in. This reaction results in heat of 5000 degrees Fahrenheit, and explosive expansion with the equivalence of one quarter stick of dynamite, and lasts approximately 1.0035 x 10–17.08 seconds. We know these factors due to the rigorous experimentation of mathematician Charles Lutwidge Dodgson which he conducted in 1870 and recorded in secret writings in his poem “Jabberwocky”.

Conclusions

Thus we can now rest assured, beyond reason, that we can, in fact, collect souls and arrange them in liquid state, to carry upon us as so much jewelry in celebration of Dr Freud. We can see that each soul is very dense, having approximately the molecular density and weight of mercury. These facts are obviously well known to author Christine D’Abo as she alludes to the connection in her novel “Quicksilver Soul” of the Shadow Guild Series.

Thus, carrying around 10 souls would weigh approximately 120 ounces (nearly 8 pounds). Heavy indeed.

In retrospect, I doubt that the therapist in question was actually harvesting souls. Most clients of therapy find the experience helpful and, although they may, indeed, bear their soul, or go about soul searching, they are usually left with their soul intact, since the psychotherapist really has no use for them and we have found, through extensive cost analysis, that the typical soul has little, if any, market value.

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